Break, Unabridged Version

So I think I'm gonna take a little break from blogging during Lent.....

...To spend more time being and listening and less time documenting.  Its been tempting a few times already to put down cute, memorable things.  :)  But I also want to rest... mostly in the sense of it not being up to me.  To rest that He'll cover this time and it won't matter that I haven't put words and pictures down.  To rest in not needing to be known by others and know that I am known and seen by God.  I'm also resting from following others lives (which is often a temptation for me... the comparison) and wanting to look more to what He has made and is making OUR lives based on His good plans and not what I can conjure up to keep up.  Trusting that in all the things that haven't been exactly how I would have carved them, that His plan is more amazing and purposeful than I could imagine.  And at the same time, it IS all amazing... this life with my people is a dream.

So I'm thankful for this time to process and to rest.

I'm sorry if its seemed all consuming as I process this sense of loss... of losing the dream that our family would be more than the four of us (and one day it will be, it already is).  Its been HARD to say goodbye to two babies.  And so part of me wants to recognize that, to call it what it is, dammit.  (I know we all have our things like that.)  And even more of me wants to KNOW and to BELIEVE that it was all part of His GOOD plan and purpose.  So I think more resting and less striving and less looking at others, and more being and seeking could help me with that.

There is so much of me that overflows with joy and thankfulness and relief to know that He is making all things right.  He IS in control.  He IS good.  He didn't overlook us.  When I can worship and believe that in the midst of the disappointment, it makes it all sweeter, less bitter.  

I believe, Lord, help my unbelief.  

So much of me is thankful for the ways that He's taught me to long for heaven and to KNOW that my hope isn't here.  Its not on this earth.  This is temporary.

Thankful for a sweet time to think about how much I need Him.  Desperately.  

"It’s one thing to sing praise in light of good, and it is entirely another thing to sing praise in the deep recognition of sin and death and pain, to say even still, He is good."  Source 

Brudder and Sista Love

Some sweet pics from recently

Lily Bug likes to open all of the bandaids and put them on the counter... so one day I just let her.

 then I gave her some stickers to add to the collection.

 I finally got around to sewing Lily's "3" shirt and sewed the front and back together... maybe its not the best idea to sew when you are a day out from anesthesia and full of confused hormones... 

 These two were having one of their hug fests... they say to each other, "Lets do whoaaaa".... 

 Can my heart be but so sad?

 Look at their faces... 

 Shortly after this, they got a little too into it and Peter leaned too far forward and Lily fell backwards and bonked her head on the floor.... oops.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

They are doing swim lessons.  We hadn't been able to work out a morning class like we've done in the past so I signed them up for the last class they were offering... its in the evening at 6pm.  I wasn't sure about that time and how it would work for us.  But its actually been GREAT.  We have dinner beforehand and then enjoy the rest of the eve at the pool.

 putting her face in... big, brave girl!

Peter is trying to learn "freestyle".  He is doing a GREAT job swimming with his legs and his head and face in.  He doesn't quite have the arm part down.  But he is 2/3rds there!!  And he can really actually get somewhere in the pool on his own.  Way to go, Pete!

Lily's teacher showing "no hands" that she's not helping Lily. 

 Lily doing it all on her own with the noodle.

They get to jump off the diving board at the end.  Peter was hesitant at first but he's ALL ABOUT IT now!  He jumped several times during class. 

swimming to his teacher 

 Again!

 He gets to the side completely on his own!

 Then after class, we stayed with him and he must have jumped off the board 12 more times.  He wanted to keep jumping and jumping.  And each time, to the side on his own... such good exercise.  I am so proud of him.  Its one of those 'thank you, Lord' moments.  Such sweet appreciation for what he can do!

One of Lily jumping to her teacher from the side.

 I've been trying to paint away my sorrows.... 

I found these 2 frames at a thrift store for 1/2 price... I'm gonna chalkboard paint the middle.  

I think I'll put one in my bathroom and one in Lily's room.

Lily's is gonna get "spawkalie" pink paint for a top coat.   

 And using more of the green paint for a stool in our bathroom.

Maw took good care of us while she was here.

The kids sharing some "cambalope" that she cut up for us.

Lily's not really stabbing herself in the eye here.

Thank you, Nee Nee, for Peter's new gym outfit... he wore it this week.  :)

Thanks for everyone's love and support through this miscarriage.  I've felt quiet about it, not b/c its a secret but b/c there's just not that much to say, no words seem exactly right or adequate.  We are just sad that we won't get to hold that baby in our arms in this life... Lily and I both wanted to.  Not that we really told them about it directly.  But we like babies and she tells me often that "You can have another baby" (since she is growing up) and that she'll help me take care of it.  She likes to talk about him or her having "this many" pacis as she holds up 3 fingers.
Lord, hear our prayer or give us the grace to surrender that dream.

dreaming

Last night, I took a Lortab at bedtime (to ensure that I didn't have any achiness from the D&C I had the day before).  As I slept, I had the sweetest dream!  I dreamed that all of my kids were with me.  Not only two... but at least four.  In my dream, they were all with me, in my arms and two weren't in heaven.  It was at least a sweet taste of heaven, where I didn't know the ache and longing I feel here on earth.  The profound sense that things aren't right.  It wasn't a distant memory, it had never happened... I woke up and then wanted to go back to sleep... 


I read this yesterday (from Spurgeon's Beside Still Waters).  
Who knows what it is to obey God to the fullest?  Until you have laid aside your will in the most tender and painful respects, you will not know.  (fyi: This is so so hard.) To plead with God for the life of a beloved child, to see that dear child die, this is to learn obedience.  To go alone and plead with God for the life of a husband or wife, to agonize with Him for the blessing, and then to be compelled to weep at a fresh grave and still be able to say, "The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away; blessed be the name of the LORD" (Job 1:21), this is to learn obedience.
Our Lord as man was made to know by His suffering what full obedience meant.  His was practical, experimental, personal acquaintance with obedience, and in all this He comes near to us.  A Son learning obedience, that is our Lord. May we not therefore walk joyfully with Him in all the rough paths of life?  May we not safely lean on the arm of One who knows every inch of the way?