Five Months of Healing

I can hardly believe that its been 5 full months (+9 before that) since this guy joined us.  This week its been a year since we found out he was a healthy & strong little guy inside me.  So many times, I have thought about how much he has healed my heart and brought such joy to our lives.  I remember, in grieving the loss of our other babies, reading that people would comfort you in saying that you wouldn't have the baby/child you have if the other(s) weren't "lost".  And in calling it what it was, this author was recounting that she wanted that baby, the lost baby.  There is totally something to that.  I get it.  But now that we do have another, wow, I am so so happy to have this guy.  And the sting of losing those babies is easier.  Thanks be to God.

Deep Thoughts on Pregnancy & Waiting

I've thought about this post so many times in my mind, and a few times with the keyboard, without finishing and hitting "publish".  I've waffled back and forth about whether to document it.  On sad days, I want to.  And on other days, I too don't want to be bothered with the heaviness. 

A few weeks ago, I had my one hour glucose tolerance test.  
(And I passed!  First time ever!!  BS of 77- go older body!!)  
Being at the office, surrounded by pregnant ladies, stirs the emotions for me again.  Every time someone "announces" their pregnancy, or congratulates someone on a pregnancy- even me-, I still feel it.  To a lesser degree, but its there, its always there somewhere. That gut reaction sometimes takes the Spirit to tame.  And leads me to remember that He is trustworthy, and He calls me to follow Him.  There is so much excitement and blessing and thrill that I'll get to hold a baby, MY baby, again soon.  But there is still the sting, the awareness, the touch of bitterness, that that place holds... the awareness of all the grief and heartache that lurks in those walls for some, and that has been so real for me, and ones I love, for seasons.  And it feels so real, so mean, so wrong. 
Part of me doesn't want to mention it.  How could I complain?  But part of me wants to make it known, not just for me but for others too.  I know that being known doesn't change what it is or make it different, but maybe it does help a little. 

This pregnancy, this baby is such a gift.  I am so excited.  But my heart still feels the ache some days of not having some of our children with us.  I also know, and don't want to forget the blessing in that.  And that somehow, God made and molded our story in that season.

This testimony (during Advent) from someone in our church during Advent really resonated (& stuck) with me related to this.  Even with a new baby on the way, I am still waiting for Jesus, and waiting for heaven.  And I don't want to misplace my hope to somewhere else.  You've gotta click and read, its really good.

Here is another part of what I scribbled in a little bit of free time that I had early on:
Also with another pregnancy comes a mixed bag of emotions.  Its what I wanted for so long, always, but the Lord had led me to a place of accepting that it wasn't His plan for us, and trusting Him in that.  His ways are not our ways.  Although always a low lying level of disappointment, in submitting to that came some joy and bittersweet, and heartbreak.  
There were also blessings.  The blessing of longing for heaven in  knowing that things aren't as they should be, but knowing He surely has a sweet purpose, and one day He will make all things {death} right.  I'm happy to be a part of His story.

Break, Unabridged Version

So I think I'm gonna take a little break from blogging during Lent.....

...To spend more time being and listening and less time documenting.  Its been tempting a few times already to put down cute, memorable things.  :)  But I also want to rest... mostly in the sense of it not being up to me.  To rest that He'll cover this time and it won't matter that I haven't put words and pictures down.  To rest in not needing to be known by others and know that I am known and seen by God.  I'm also resting from following others lives (which is often a temptation for me... the comparison) and wanting to look more to what He has made and is making OUR lives based on His good plans and not what I can conjure up to keep up.  Trusting that in all the things that haven't been exactly how I would have carved them, that His plan is more amazing and purposeful than I could imagine.  And at the same time, it IS all amazing... this life with my people is a dream.

So I'm thankful for this time to process and to rest.

I'm sorry if its seemed all consuming as I process this sense of loss... of losing the dream that our family would be more than the four of us (and one day it will be, it already is).  Its been HARD to say goodbye to two babies.  And so part of me wants to recognize that, to call it what it is, dammit.  (I know we all have our things like that.)  And even more of me wants to KNOW and to BELIEVE that it was all part of His GOOD plan and purpose.  So I think more resting and less striving and less looking at others, and more being and seeking could help me with that.

There is so much of me that overflows with joy and thankfulness and relief to know that He is making all things right.  He IS in control.  He IS good.  He didn't overlook us.  When I can worship and believe that in the midst of the disappointment, it makes it all sweeter, less bitter.  

I believe, Lord, help my unbelief.  

So much of me is thankful for the ways that He's taught me to long for heaven and to KNOW that my hope isn't here.  Its not on this earth.  This is temporary.

Thankful for a sweet time to think about how much I need Him.  Desperately.  

"It’s one thing to sing praise in light of good, and it is entirely another thing to sing praise in the deep recognition of sin and death and pain, to say even still, He is good."  Source 

Blue Skies

This week has really turned around for us.  On Monday, I thought I might not survive the rest of this winter.  My body may squinch up and fall over from the darkness and cold.  And, I think crossing the one month mark to our due date may have subconsciously gotten me down.  Its hard for dreams to die.  I've found a few times lately that if I can just SAY IT, it helps.  A few weeks ago, it was telling Mike about a fresh wave of grief that led me to sadness and then to anger.  This time, it was telling Blair about it on our morning walk.  

Saying here it is, Lord.  And begging Him to take it.  

There are days I can grasp perspective.  I find that to be true most often in worship.  

Sunday at church we sang Abide with Me.

"I fear no foe, with Thee at hand to bless

Ills have no weight, tears lose their bitterness

Where is thy sting death? Where grave thy victory?

I triumph still, abide with me."   

In my heart of hearts, I can feel it.  

Ills have no weight.  Tears lose their bitterness.

What a gift that is.

He's been good to give us relief in the form of sunshine too.  Its all inter-related!

Notice Lily's new "Berry Bear" in the closest swing.

 

 I really can't believe how BIG these kids are getting.  Lily's body is getting so big.  Her perfect little body is being transformed in front of my eyes.  Long legs.  Heavier.  I remember thinking Peter had a major growth spurt at 3.5.  And its felt the same way for Lily.  She's just becoming a big girl.  My heart.  I'm thrilled for a growing, healthy girl but my baby.... where did she go?!  I miss her!!   And Peter.  He's nearly as tall as I am!

 I totally made the kids lay on the ground with me to soak in the blinding, warm sun.  

 Then Peter found a different spot. 

 Naked Winter Trees.  Gorgeous.

 Then we went to the creek.  

This girl.  A little pride and independence and ugliness lately (like her mama).

 This week has been the turn around for him too.  

His energy level has nearly improved overnight!  

 Then they really just wanted to sit by the creek.  And I realized... its so good for them too.  Its so refreshing.  We just want to stop and listen to it.  To be refreshed as He leads us beside quiet waters.  

 Shortly after this, Lily fell in with one leg.  So we headed back.  But it was all such a JOY.  So awesome to have the freedom to be with these kids, to play in creeks, to play outside, to come home with sweet bare legs.  On a crisp sunny, warm-ish day!

Advent 2012 Testimony

I shared this testimony for our church's Advent blog:

It was July when we went in for the ultrasound for our fourth pregnancy.  We were both thrilled and relieved to see a flickering heartbeat on our precious baby.  We hoped to meet him or her early in the coming March, around the date we’d said goodbye to our 3^rd baby.  

A few minutes later, we went in with hopeful hearts to meet with our nurse practitioner.  She told us the news of a few concerns with our baby.  Then she sent us home to wait.  We waited a {long} week.  We went back in to see our baby, without a heartbeat, without life for this earth.  So now we must wait again.  We wait to see our two babes one day in heaven.  It’s such a bitter sweet.  We hate it and we continue to grieve that we won’t hold those babies and children in this life.  But the sweetness comes in His promises and assurances to us that he has gained heaven for us through the cross.  That is certain.  So our hearts long for heaven a little deeper, cherish the children we have in our arms, and thank Him that Jesus came to make all things right.

his heart

This a a little vulnerable to post but also such a sweet story that I want to remember... I've been a little sad this week.  There have been a few triggers, I think.  I have and continue to have plenty to repent of regularly.  Peter is my dear child that I struggle with a lot but also in the most blessed of ways.  We work together through the messiness and irony of the gospel so quickly and so often.  There is so much fussing and complaining and sometimes its just near impossible to be who and what we should be (yes, I fully claim that for myself too!).  But in the midst of it, he is SO quick to say "Will you forgive me?  Can you forgive me?"  And its dug forgiveness deeper into where it should be for me b/c it really is just that.  Forgiveness.  Not the condition that I am going to do better (tho we ask God for that all the time) but just that you are forgiven.  I am forgiven.  The slate is clean without offense.  And its a split second transaction for him, as it should be.  He fully expects that I am going to forgive him.  And that just convicts me.  I have to.  Then I have to believe it for myself the next minute as I ask for forgiveness.

If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.  1 John 1:9

As we've been working through my messiness this week, a lot of it a response to grief, Peter has so cared for me.  As I sit stewing on lots of things this morning and thinking of God's sovereignty (in a 'help us' kind of way), Peter says the dearest thing.  Although we weren't talking about the miscarriages at that moment, we had talked about them earlier this week.  I don't generally talk with the kids much at all about our miscarriages, knowing it would just be hard for them to understand and I don't really want to bombard them with grief.  But while we were taking the infant seat to sell, they asked questions.  I decided that it seemed like a more "concrete" moment to tell them a little about it.  So I just told them that we have two babies in heaven who would be their brother(s) or sister(s).  And that God hasn't given us more babies on earth so we don't need our baby seat anymore.  Their response was really sweet.  They were a little sad but also excited... and their first conclusion was "one for each of us!" in heaven...  

So back to this morning, I am stewing and internally discussing my mess with God.  Peter says the most understanding and intuitive thing.  Full of frustration, love, anger, more love, desire, affection, and disappointment he says,  "I'm upset too... about those two babies in heaven."  The way that he was so intuitive about the real frustration and so with me in it, in the grief, really ministered to me and blessed me in a way that few things have lately.  He wasn't trying to manage my grief, or move me through it, he wasn't uncomfortable with it, he just simply felt the emotions with me and for himself.  It must have only been the Holy Spirit who could bring something so close to where I really am.  
"I will come to you." John 14:18b 
Not in just a physical way, but in an intimate, emotional, feeling way.

Dreams Unrealized

Craigslisted for $65.  

I'm trying not to cry. 

Perish every fond ambition.

Yet how rich is my condition.

What We've Been Up To...

* Saturday Soccer 

 * A Surprise Visit by some folks we LOVE

Uncle Will is SO fun!

I couldn't decide which of these I liked best so had to include them both :)  I love the excited smiles!

*New Spiderman Jumpers and New Sneakers 

(maybe a little weird to include shoe pics but I thought their little feet and shoes were so cute!)

This is the pic I'd emailed to Mike after we got them...

 * Lots and Lots of Bike Riding!!  
Peter has been doing SO well.  His confidence on his bike has really improved.  He rides loops and loops independently around a circle at our pool parking lot!!  Yay, Peter.

I've learned that another secret to getting him motivated to do stuff is to pretend or imagine he is in character.  He and his bike ARE Lightning McQueen.  Lily is Mater on her tricycle. 

 Lightning is sharing a secret with Mater.

 *More Bike Riding

(I love Peter's subtle little dimples at the corners of his smile)

 Goo and Pop got them these sweatshirts when they visited Cornwall, England this summer.  

I love them!!

 how cute are they looking at each other.

* Friend-Sitting

Two of Lily's little friends came to visit while their mommies had other things going on.  

They were really cute together.

 Peter felt a little unsure of his place in the mix with the girls and with his usual playmate occupied.  

I hadn't thought of that aspect for him.  But was thankful to have that insight to pay a little extra attention to him.

 Necklaces :)

 *Cutting and Crafts

Lily and I made a run to get some new art supplies.  

We picked up some of that foam paper for cutting and the kids love it (I even do too!)

 But the clean up is a bummer ;)

* More Pretending

I am loving our schedule this year.  I reservedly decided not to do the Women's Bible Study this year for several reasons.  Is it OK to post those reasons?  It may be a little vulnerable or revealing or uncomfortable or something... but one of the main reasons is that I didn't want to watch others who are pregnant be pregnant.  (Just keeping it real.)  Its just too painful to do again.  Its easier to trust God with where we are (which is great!) without putting myself in a position to weekly look to the side at others.  The other reason that seems more acceptable to share & so I most often use in person and is EQUALLY important is that next year will be K and so its the last year of our life that my kids have the option to be at home together all day long.  So we are going to savor that.  We have the rest of our lives to run around.  Peter does his therapies on Tuesdays and so we have Thursdays at home.  

Its just been so good.  I am so thankful.

Here, they'd taken the pillow cases off our pillows and put their legs in them for sleeping bags. :)

 My closet is often their "elevator".

Taking the friends in... 

and out... 

 *Huggin', when I'm not fussin'.  Cause there's plenty of that too.

*Puzzles while Pete is at "work"

*Dinner with Friends  

 Peter got a Buzz Lightyear costume from Aunt Becky for his bday.  Its been a big hit!!

dreaming

Last night, I took a Lortab at bedtime (to ensure that I didn't have any achiness from the D&C I had the day before).  As I slept, I had the sweetest dream!  I dreamed that all of my kids were with me.  Not only two... but at least four.  In my dream, they were all with me, in my arms and two weren't in heaven.  It was at least a sweet taste of heaven, where I didn't know the ache and longing I feel here on earth.  The profound sense that things aren't right.  It wasn't a distant memory, it had never happened... I woke up and then wanted to go back to sleep... 


I read this yesterday (from Spurgeon's Beside Still Waters).  
Who knows what it is to obey God to the fullest?  Until you have laid aside your will in the most tender and painful respects, you will not know.  (fyi: This is so so hard.) To plead with God for the life of a beloved child, to see that dear child die, this is to learn obedience.  To go alone and plead with God for the life of a husband or wife, to agonize with Him for the blessing, and then to be compelled to weep at a fresh grave and still be able to say, "The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away; blessed be the name of the LORD" (Job 1:21), this is to learn obedience.
Our Lord as man was made to know by His suffering what full obedience meant.  His was practical, experimental, personal acquaintance with obedience, and in all this He comes near to us.  A Son learning obedience, that is our Lord. May we not therefore walk joyfully with Him in all the rough paths of life?  May we not safely lean on the arm of One who knows every inch of the way?

Good BYE 2011!

A few weeks ago, I spent a little time reflecting on 2011 and I am just now typing it up.  It was quite the year.  I wanted to have to these things documented in one place for the sake of remembering the craziness... That one day (even today!) we will praise our Father for where he has brought us from and that it could be an encouragement to someone else in the midst of a hard time or something similar.  For me, it was a year marked by lots of hard circumstantial things but also by anxiety, depression, and grief.  Praise the Lord for new seasons and years!  2012 already feels different.  We know that He calls us to trust Him no matter what the future holds but we pray that its different than 2011.

2011 

:: a year that was sobering and took away some of my naivety, a year of learning that anything is possible.  It aged me!!

:: the heartache of just losing Charlie and Alvin.  It leaves such grief, so I can hardly bear the grief & missing for Holly and Glenda.  And yet I wouldn't have had it any other way than to walk closely with Holly.  I read this recently and it sums it up well... I repeatedly remind myself that it is never "too soon" to be with Jesus, but it is always too soon to leave our loved ones. One does not cancel out the other. Both are simply true.  May the deep grief be wrapped in certain hope that death will never have the last word.

:: the agony of taking my boy to VCU for the new onset of non-febrile seizures and poor coordination.  Then having him worked up for what seemed like all neurological possibilities under the sun.... and one by one they were ruled out/checked off... brain tumor, anatomical anomaly, metabolic disease, known genetic conditions, each feeling like a forever wait and slow agony...waiting and then more waiting ... for some overnight and others that took WEEKS (read it slooooooowly, that's how it felt... slo mo).  And then, the one that caused me the most anxiety was the work up for a Lysosomal Storage Disease.  (what a nightmare!  Oh, my heart, for the parents of a child with one of these... its too much!)  We are so very thankful for God's mercy that all of those were negative and for the control of his seizures on Keppra.  It gave me a new perspective on the life of people whose children really have something hard that they have to deal with health-wise.  And it have me a new perspective as a nurse on the patient and family's experience.  Ugh, the suffering, I hate it! 

:: the pain of losing what we thought would be our 3rd child to miscarriage.  And the ongoing grief of that lasting all year... esp after I felt a little more free to process it once Peter's health was less of our focus.  And then the wait of not being able to move forward because of some ongoing genetic tests for all of us, which were thankfully normal.  In the recent weeks (of 2012), I have felt such a freedom from this grief.  And more of a thankfulness  for what we have and ability to trust God's sovereignty over our family.  

:: And it can't be overlooked that in 5 weeks, we went to 

• the ER 4 times (one long weekend, we went 3 times in 4 days), 
• had 4 hospitalizations, 
• 2 surgeries, 
• and one speeding ticket.   All of it was enough for a lifetime!

:: lots of therapy for Peter:  occupational, physical, and speech.  Wishing we didn't have to go, being thankful our insurance covered it, and hating the pain, suffering and trials we saw there of other children and their families.

:: High-Fiveing so many times over the blessing and provision of awesome insurance thru Mike's job.  And MANY, MANY hours spent on the phone with our insurance company working out all of the benefits.

:: In our year of heartache, its been a season that Mike really enjoys his job... what a blessing!

:: Thankful for the gift of feeling like I have a clue (if only a small one) about healthcare & medical things from my time as a nurse... and knowing other people who know more!

:: The gift of friends, family and the body of Christ at our church.  Grandparents and our small group carried us.  From Joe's visit to talk with us and assure us from God's Word that Peter would go to Heaven should he leave us too early (I lost all reservations to ask anything when my boy was sick) to Blair and Susan sitting with us that Saturday morning over a Chick-Fil-A breakfast, and Blair giving me the bobby pin that was in her hair (it's the small things!).  Dinners waiting for us (thank you, Joy!).  Susan babysitting while her husband took time out of his day of doctorly responsibilities to be with us at the hospital and at doctors appointments. I don't care to go thru any of this again or ever walk thru the doors of VCU again but I am thankful for the people who loved us so well!

:: Oh, how we love Keppra and the seizure control it provides.  Lord, may it continue to be so!

:: 2011 was the year that Lily grew up and the gap between her and Peter became so much smaller.  She became a partner with him in all things childhood... esp the world of pretend.  I love seeing them enjoy each other and the blessing of them being completely unaware of all the stresses that have been present in our grown up lives. 

:: Seeing the faithfulness of God through my marriage.  Thank you, God, for my Mike!

:: wrestling through my own struggle of how this is different than what I imagined... definitely the things mentioned above but also my own strength, perseverance, perspective is severely lacking!  Not being who I wanted/want to be.  Ugh!

:: And as last fun marker of 2011... FUN with the kids!  We did have FUN too!  Days at the pool, hearing all of the new words and phrases they are learning, cracking us up on the the things they pick up and remember, pretending together, hugs, laughs, etc, etc.

:: Verses of the year:
   "Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all His benefits"  Psalm 103
   Jesus said, “This sickness will not end in death. No, it is for God’s glory so that God’s Son may be glorified through it.”  John 11:4
   Then Jesus said, “Did I not tell you that if you believe, you will see the glory of God?”  John 11:40 

family of 5

Its been a hard 2 months.  I venture to say some of the hardest of my life.  (The other hard time that comes to mind to compete is the months before Morocco.)  Today and the last week has been better so I feel the slight motivation to write about/ document it.  I'm not sure why God has allowed the suffering & hard times, but He has.  Some of it feels too raw to write a lot about or post pics of.  Peter has been to the hospital twice (that is the part that rips my heart out, literally) and has been a great sport about it.  I am so proud of him.  Three days after he came home from the first stay, we found out that Lily's chin issue is herpes.  And two days after that, we found out I was pregnant.  I was hesitant, Mike was the rock that he is.  We totally embraced it by God's grace and Mike and I both would say to each other how excited we were to have another baby!  It did feel like the happy spot in a hard time.  Thankfully, by God's grace, I wasn't overly anxious about the pregnancy and just enjoyed it (I've always loved being pregnant and knew we'd probably only have 3, so I tried to embrace and enjoy it!).  I'd been anxious during the first trimester with P&L but just felt good about this one.  I looked forward to the 8 week ultrasound and kept telling Mike has much I was looking forward to it.  But we found out that our little one didn't have a heart beat.  It was 6 weeks and 4 days "big".... the day of Peter's elbow surgery, ironically.  By God's grace, he allowed us to get thru it.  Mike is a rock.  I love the man and would not have survived these 2 months without his strength and love and care.  We were sad but I don't know, surprised but not surprised.  It seems like a lot to go thru what we've been thru and be pregnant too.  So these pictures document our family of 5.  We took them (with raw eyelids) the afternoon that we found out the baby wasn't alive.  We are thankful for its little life, even tho we didn't get to meet him/her on this earth.