Ben's Baptism

This month, we celebrated God's promises to us in Jesus through having our littlest boy baptized.  I grew up in a church that does Believer baptisms so this always goes again the grain a little for me.

Here are the three questions that are asked of us:
1- Do you acknowledge your child's need of the cleansing blood of Jesus Christ, and the renewing grace of the Holy Spirit?

2- Do you claim God's covenant promises in his behalf, and do you look in faith to the Lord Jesus Christ for his salvation, as you do for your own?

3- Do you now unreservedly dedicate your child to God, and promise, in humble reliance upon divine grace, that you will endeavor to set before him a godly example, that you will pray with and for him, that you will teach him the doctrines of our holy religion, and that you will strive, by all the means of God's appointment to bring him up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord?

I love the way it was put in a letter to us:
"You promised to communicate to your child the gospel.  The first two questions answered affirmatively, state plainly that your child is a sinner just like you and that the only way your child is saved is through saving faith in Jesus Christ.  The act of baptism did not save your child. It shows that this child is part of our community of faith and that he is blessed through your faith and your teaching."

"So how do you practically follow through on your answer to question three?  

...the word translated as 'bring them up' can also be rendered 'nourish'- we are, after all, offering our children the very 'bread of life' when we teach them the gospel."

This quote, included in our letter, is a good & needed reminder for me.

"It is the duty of a godly (parent), in order to confirm disciples in faith, to extol as much as possible the grace of Christ, so that being satisfied with that, we may seek nothing else."

- John Calvin in his commentary on 1 John 5:13

Last night, as we prayed at bedtime, Lily asked to pray for something.  And she repeated the prayer that Mike has prayed with them so often, and is prayed so often at our church.

"We pray that there would be a day that Ben stands up and says that he believes in Jesus."

Peter was squirming and said he didn't hear.  Lily repeated her prayer,

"We pray that there would be a day that Peter, Lily, and Ben would stand up and say that they believe in Jesus."

It is not an "automatic" thing.  It is personal.  And it is a known need- we sin, we are sinners.  We aren't "good".  We need Jesus to forgive us.  And that comes only through him.  Because he was the only person who was perfectly righteous and doesn't have to pay for his own sin.

We had an "after party".

Hannah + Ben  (June 2036)

 Our parents and faux sibling family joined us for lunch- our first feast for 8 at our table for 8.

  

 Our precious sweet gift- this boy.

I also think that I am officially done blogging. 

It was felt like too much since having 3 and more to keep up with.

It has been so good for the season of my older two being "little".

But it's a different season now.  Praise God!

He has been so good to us in so many ways.

Sweet Days

I have been trying to see these last 2 weeks as bonus gifts before the baby comes to get more settled and have sweet days with Lily before it's no longer just me and her during the day.

Lily has been such a sweet helper in the days since the move.  She is generally so willing and loves to help.  We went back to the old house to clean out the fridge.

We've baked fluffernutters bc she wanted to.  She said she wanted to surprise Pete with them when he came home from school.  And we gave some to Peters bus driver.  I think it's our last week riding the bus.  :(     I mean, how cute in her apron.

She helped me write thank you notes one day by decorating the envelopes.  I am sure she is a little Brenda.  She loves to write notes (I don't).  She loves to clean (I don't).  She loves to cook (I don't).  It must have skipped a generation.  I clearly remember Mom telling me that she wished I would do these things and I just didn't want to.  

One eve Mike had his guys over (thankful for a bigger house to have friends visit!) and I worked on unpacking the nursery.  It did me good to unpack baby clothes and helped it to feel more real that this is really happening.  I couldn't help but be overwhelmed at God's goodness (a theme lately?) to give me that extra time to prepare.  Although sometimes hard to wait til the bitter end for our babies, it's one of the reasons we could move at 38+ weeks.  And to have that eve to just feel Gods goodness and faithfulness to us in the gift of another child after I didn't think we'd get that.  To think of His faithfulness to carry us through two losses and help me to accept and to say He is still good.  And then to give us another.  It felt so palpable that eve.  It feels like a gift to be able to let go of my timing and see the goodness of His timing.  It doesn't come naturally for me.  But He has forced it on me in the last few years and it's been good to learn and rest in.

There is still so much to do in the nursery- but it works for now.

Lily and I have had an every other day sorta schedule.  I work hard and get tasks done but then we sit and hang out the next day, like today.  I can't help but be thankful for and so blessed by l for the JOY. that radiates from her.  She is so pleasant to be with.

Today is 39 weeks 5 days.  No news.  I go to the doctor tomorrow.  Just waiting on baby boy to break out.  ;)

Deep Thoughts on Pregnancy & Waiting

I've thought about this post so many times in my mind, and a few times with the keyboard, without finishing and hitting "publish".  I've waffled back and forth about whether to document it.  On sad days, I want to.  And on other days, I too don't want to be bothered with the heaviness. 

A few weeks ago, I had my one hour glucose tolerance test.  
(And I passed!  First time ever!!  BS of 77- go older body!!)  
Being at the office, surrounded by pregnant ladies, stirs the emotions for me again.  Every time someone "announces" their pregnancy, or congratulates someone on a pregnancy- even me-, I still feel it.  To a lesser degree, but its there, its always there somewhere. That gut reaction sometimes takes the Spirit to tame.  And leads me to remember that He is trustworthy, and He calls me to follow Him.  There is so much excitement and blessing and thrill that I'll get to hold a baby, MY baby, again soon.  But there is still the sting, the awareness, the touch of bitterness, that that place holds... the awareness of all the grief and heartache that lurks in those walls for some, and that has been so real for me, and ones I love, for seasons.  And it feels so real, so mean, so wrong. 
Part of me doesn't want to mention it.  How could I complain?  But part of me wants to make it known, not just for me but for others too.  I know that being known doesn't change what it is or make it different, but maybe it does help a little. 

This pregnancy, this baby is such a gift.  I am so excited.  But my heart still feels the ache some days of not having some of our children with us.  I also know, and don't want to forget the blessing in that.  And that somehow, God made and molded our story in that season.

This testimony (during Advent) from someone in our church during Advent really resonated (& stuck) with me related to this.  Even with a new baby on the way, I am still waiting for Jesus, and waiting for heaven.  And I don't want to misplace my hope to somewhere else.  You've gotta click and read, its really good.

Here is another part of what I scribbled in a little bit of free time that I had early on:
Also with another pregnancy comes a mixed bag of emotions.  Its what I wanted for so long, always, but the Lord had led me to a place of accepting that it wasn't His plan for us, and trusting Him in that.  His ways are not our ways.  Although always a low lying level of disappointment, in submitting to that came some joy and bittersweet, and heartbreak.  
There were also blessings.  The blessing of longing for heaven in  knowing that things aren't as they should be, but knowing He surely has a sweet purpose, and one day He will make all things {death} right.  I'm happy to be a part of His story.

26 weeks

I'll be 27 weeks pregnant with this little guy on Thursday.
Something Mike said in the last week reminded me to think of him as a baby, and not just a "pregnancy".  I think its the nurse in me that makes me want to wait til the bitter end to meet a baby, knowing that's best for the baby.  (Not that we really have control over that!)  But I have thought of myself as someone who doesn't wish away a pregnancy.    But there is something about having lost two babies early on that makes this baby feel far along already.  And makes me feel like I've already done the waiting.  I DO want him to say put til May (Lord, hear our prayer!).  Oh, just wait til I have to take care of an infant again and I'll be eating those words. Or maybe loving it?!
Maybe I just need to pray for endurance thru this next patch of transitions.  I'm ready to know how its going to play out already.
And I need the reminder that there's no heaven on earth.  We'll long for that til the day we get there and we won't be satisfied with things on this earth.  Lord, give us more of You. B/c on my own, I'm discontent and impatient!

I totally took a pic of the bump in the bathroom at Peter's OT place.

Daddy Snow Date & More

We had a small but pretty snow yesterday morning.  The perfect kind: a little snow in the morning and sun in the afternoon.  I went out for my walk with friends and Mike took Lily out to play.  It was a big hit with her.

 We've gotten off to a good start with the new "semester".  I like our schedule much better.  Peter goes to his tae kwon do classes while its still light out.  We are still running 7 afternoon activities per week (6 for Peter, 1 for Lily) but they are earlier in the afternoon so its more do-able. 

 Peter has talked about this several times this school year and I love it.  I think he is still adjusting to not going to a Christian school and hearing about God regularly.  He told us again this week that the teachers at his school don't know that you can have God in your heart (some of them do, of course!) and that he was going to pray for them.  Then he prayed for them out loud.  :)  He also said he told his teacher that "we all have sin in our heart".  She asked him what we should do about it.  He said, "God takes it away."  And she said "But we have to help."  ;)

a long post about a parenting struggle, with lots of parentheses

This is not in the category of a "serious" struggle and my soul feels despair.  Its not in the category of my child is having seizures, or I've had miscarriages, or someone has died.  But still, I want and seek God's wisdom in how to best approach it and in my processing of it... and in my being a good steward of the gift of time with these kids that God has given me... 

We were spoiled last week by a day off school and a break from the usual homework (which isn't hard, its just something else to do and fit in). So its made this week feel extra packed in the afternoons (2pm-bedtime).  We've also had two extra therapy appts this week.  One that we didn't make it to last week, plus a check-in w PT. 

So yesterday after school, we fit in PT, the drive back and forth, homework (two nights worth b/c we'd had 2 appts the day before as well), dinner, and then headed back out for tae kwon do after dark.  I find myself getting frustrated with the kids b/c I am asking too much of them.  Peter looks exhausted and I'm telling him to 'hurry up and eat' so we can go to something else!  I hate that.  On the way to TKD, I tell him to take a quick nap... ridiculous but necessary.  So far this school year, I've found this to be the area that I feel the tension.  

We do not really have a special needs child in our house but just that toe in the puddle that allows me to imagine what it would be like for a family that really lives in the special needs world.  Its really the ongoing struggle, tension that we've regularly viewed (mostly from the outskirts but its still in front of our faces regularly) for the last three years... and I have moments and season that I feel the weigh of it.  That sounds extreme to say, and as I often say, I am well aware of how easy and good we have it.  But part of my personality, and maybe the way God made me, empathizes and feels and imagines the burden.  Another part of me (that part that makes my mom say she can't believe I was a nurse) balks at the thought of it all.  It feels too hard, like too much, and I worry and wonder how people really do it.  I feel the heaviness for the people who regularly live under such a weight that comes from a fallen world.  I like cute and pretty, sunny and easy.  

I also think and pray through God giving us wisdom about the best way and best balance to helping Peter in the ways that he needs extra.  Mostly physical strengthening... his mouth (speech), his gross motor skills, and his hands (tho they have served him pretty darn well & come a long way so far in school- PTL!)...  plus of high importance is behavior, which is an outflow of the heart, which I have some control over by how I schedule us... a heart that is rushed and frazzled, or one that is calm and intentional (and a schedule that allows for reasonable behavior, age-appropriate activities and time to develop good organizational skills).  

How do we best help him without it turning into crazy busyness?  I know that we are where we are because we've worked hard.  So I want to keep working hard (and we will).  But when do we reach the gray area of too much?  

Mike's mom has often said that all parents have 'their thing'.  Over the years, we would say that ours has been sleep.  So after dinner last night, while everything in me wants to give him a hot bath and let him sleep, there is also the felt external pressure of "he needs more PT" & my own pressure of "this cost a lot of $$" and I want to get the full money's worth.  Yes, we should do one more physical activity, but sleep is also a really good activity to keep us strong!  Some days it just feels like a race to get strong, but when does the race kill out the 'here and now'?

Thankfully, God is faithful (and I am often clueless).  We arrived to TKD last night to cheerful instructors to are so kind and helpful.  They see the best in Peter, push him to his potential without belittling him.  He has a great time and walks away chanting "Who, Who, Hah!"  I've gotten a little down time in the car to listen, chill, and focus.

I don't know the answers but just that as we had a day off last week, God is good to give us rest when we need it.  We can trust Him for new mercies each day and the strength to keep walking the road he has put us on and called us to.  He is good and faithful to give us more than we would have known to ask for.  More often that involves the shaping of our heart, and less the comfort of our circumstances.

{happy down time on one of our days "off"}

"Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, “The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.”"

Lamentations 3:22-24 (NIV)

Favorite Things

I think I've mentioned that I do a sewing class at our church.  The class is the brain child of a lady who wanted to find a way to reach out to the immigrant ladies living in the neighborhoods around our church.  I feel so blessed that I get to be a part of it.  I've said many times that it is a dream come true for me.  It combines some of my most favorite things.... 

crafting and international ladies and Bible study.

This summer Lily and I were talking a little about children who don't have mommies and daddies.  And things we could do to love them.  We had the idea together to make them "taggie lovies" b/c Lily loves hers so much.  Then, just a week or so later, Mary, the lady who leads sewing, told me that she had the idea to make baby blankets for a missionary doctor from our church who works in Kenya.  So excited.  Lily and I bought our material and got to sewing (after much procrastination).  We only managed to make 2 lovies (before presenting them to the doctor this morning).  But we may sew more??

 Here is one of our finished products (oops, forgot to rotate pic).

Here are all of the blankets from the ladies at sewing class.  :)

 Sewing Friends... 

 Left center below is the OB-GYN in Kenya.  It was so encouraging to have her join us, to hear about her work, and to look together at how Jesus loves women so personally.  Her testimony of her calling tied in so perfectly with what we've been looking at in our Bible study lessons.

It is such a joy to be involved in this class.  

Its a highlight of my week and "fills my tank" to be with these ladies.

Because we loved you so much, we were delighted to share with you not only the gospel of God but our lives as well.  1 Thess 2:8

6 year stats {Peter}

Peter has the most amazing imagination.  

He loves to be in character, whether he is physically dressed up or pretending to be the toy figure(s) he is playing with.

He loves being the hero.  He is guarding the princesses in their castle.

After helping someone (in pretend or in real life), he often responds with "It's my duty."

He has an amazing memory for reciting things.  Since being in school, he is reciting all of the shape poems they've learned, singing multiple new songs, reciting the Pledge of Allegiance, and the school motto, and telling us silly illustrations his teacher uses... stories of invisible buckets on their head, peanut butter on their clothes. (???)  But he's only been able to tell us the name of two classmates, and those names only came yesterday.

I have been shocked to see that he isn't outright tired after school.  He has yet to take a nap after school.  And he napped daily until 2 weeks before the start of school.  There is some definite limited "instruction" time left so we usually look over and talk about things in his folder immediately after school.  After that, its hard to focus on anything I want him to focus on.  But he loves continuing to play with Lily and with toys.  As one of my friends pointed out, maybe that's what its like to be an extrovert.  I think he really gets energized from all of activities & people at school.

He is strong willed and determined,

sweet and caring, 

fearless and thoughtful.

And finally, his 6 year stats:

 Height: 48 1/4 inches (90%)

Weight: 55 lbs (90%)

Yesterday, I had an afternoon of praise to God for our pediatrician.  She has truly been such a blessing to us.  She is exactly what we needed.  I could clearly see God's hand of providence in taking us in to see her (the doctor doing sick visits) on that dreadful night a few years ago.  Since then she has listened/analyzed, advocated for us, thought through everything with us, guided our perspective on things, and continues to fight for us.  I just wanted to fall on my face in thanks to God that he makes people so smart, so caring, and so generally awesome and then they use that to serve and bless others.  
He truly has provided for us & given us moments to see His purposes, which although have felt hard, we joyfully submit to (I sorta of shudder to type that) as He allows & enables us.  
Then I heard this song, and I was even more undone at His goodness.



"Thy great descent has made me whole!" 

VBS

It was our 3rd year to do VBS at a church near us (not our church).  Its during the day, and ours is at night.  I think its fun for my kids to have a daytime VBS week.  It feels like a summer childhood essential.  So although there is some initial guilt of sending my kids to a church that isn't ours and I'm not helping with, everyone there welcomes us and its always a sweet picture to me of the body of Christ and a reminder of salvation.  We receive a great gift without doing a thing.  And I love what my kids learn each year!  

This was the first year Lily could go.  As I've mentioned, Lily is more shy than Peter and nervous about new social settings.  So it was perfect that the week's theme was "Facing Fear, Trusting God."  There were some tears but the staff were sweet to let her bring her blanket a few days and move over to Peter's class a few days.  By the end of the week, she was singing the songs, doing the hand motions and chanting, "Facing Fear, Trusting God!"  It was a sweet gift from God to work through that in this setting (and something we have to learn and do it over and over, right?!)

Here are pics from "Family Night"...  I convinced our friends, the Z kids, to come along with us all week!  :)

The "kids" on the "coaster"!  Mike is soo fun.  We love him.  So thankful for the strong & gentle man my husband is as we come up on 10 years of life together.

Peter told me his favorite song was "Change my Heart".  When I went and looked it up and saw the lyrics, all I could think was of course. 

ps- thankfully, I'm not feeling too nervous for K... we are mostly excited and trying to soak up every drop of these sweet last weeks of summer!!

Immortal Invisible

I'm loving this song this week...

Love these lines..

Immortal You are not bound by death (thinking of you in Equador, Holly)

Invisible You will not always be

Cause You are coming to reign as our King

And the saints will fall down at Your feet

Answer

In general, I've been doing really well lately.  Feeling much more peaceful and trusting about where we are and what our life will look like.  I am so so thankful for that.  I was feeling sorta d.o.n.e. with the exhaustion of grieving.  Its been such a huge praise to think about the healing He has done.  
Tonight I looked at something (on social media) and I just felt it.  I felt my heart spiraling.  Look at them.  Look at ALL that they get.  And yet I also just felt like 'NO!... I just can't spiral and be sad and look at others'.  It was just a quick silent desperate prayer.  And only a half believing one.  God, help me.  (I don't even remember what I said in my head.)  
And then it came a few moments later.... 
Three times. In church this morning I noted that Job repeated the point three times.
I myself will see Him
with my own eyes-- I, and not another.
And then I realized-- because of this-- the loss, the grief-- I don't hope in life being cute (oh, I love cute).  That is a mercy, his grace to me.  I hope in Him.  And I hope because---

I know that my Redeemer lives,
and that in the end He will stand on the earth.
And after my skin has been destroyed,
yet in my flesh I will see God;
I myself will see Him
with my own eyes-- I, and not another.
How my heart yearns within me!
Job 19:25-27

And like that, He takes me back to being thankful and trusting.  And just to know that He is so personal to stoop enough to one day let me see Him.  To know that He sees me enough to let me see Him.

Break, Unabridged Version

So I think I'm gonna take a little break from blogging during Lent.....

...To spend more time being and listening and less time documenting.  Its been tempting a few times already to put down cute, memorable things.  :)  But I also want to rest... mostly in the sense of it not being up to me.  To rest that He'll cover this time and it won't matter that I haven't put words and pictures down.  To rest in not needing to be known by others and know that I am known and seen by God.  I'm also resting from following others lives (which is often a temptation for me... the comparison) and wanting to look more to what He has made and is making OUR lives based on His good plans and not what I can conjure up to keep up.  Trusting that in all the things that haven't been exactly how I would have carved them, that His plan is more amazing and purposeful than I could imagine.  And at the same time, it IS all amazing... this life with my people is a dream.

So I'm thankful for this time to process and to rest.

I'm sorry if its seemed all consuming as I process this sense of loss... of losing the dream that our family would be more than the four of us (and one day it will be, it already is).  Its been HARD to say goodbye to two babies.  And so part of me wants to recognize that, to call it what it is, dammit.  (I know we all have our things like that.)  And even more of me wants to KNOW and to BELIEVE that it was all part of His GOOD plan and purpose.  So I think more resting and less striving and less looking at others, and more being and seeking could help me with that.

There is so much of me that overflows with joy and thankfulness and relief to know that He is making all things right.  He IS in control.  He IS good.  He didn't overlook us.  When I can worship and believe that in the midst of the disappointment, it makes it all sweeter, less bitter.  

I believe, Lord, help my unbelief.  

So much of me is thankful for the ways that He's taught me to long for heaven and to KNOW that my hope isn't here.  Its not on this earth.  This is temporary.

Thankful for a sweet time to think about how much I need Him.  Desperately.  

"It’s one thing to sing praise in light of good, and it is entirely another thing to sing praise in the deep recognition of sin and death and pain, to say even still, He is good."  Source 

Blue Skies

This week has really turned around for us.  On Monday, I thought I might not survive the rest of this winter.  My body may squinch up and fall over from the darkness and cold.  And, I think crossing the one month mark to our due date may have subconsciously gotten me down.  Its hard for dreams to die.  I've found a few times lately that if I can just SAY IT, it helps.  A few weeks ago, it was telling Mike about a fresh wave of grief that led me to sadness and then to anger.  This time, it was telling Blair about it on our morning walk.  

Saying here it is, Lord.  And begging Him to take it.  

There are days I can grasp perspective.  I find that to be true most often in worship.  

Sunday at church we sang Abide with Me.

"I fear no foe, with Thee at hand to bless

Ills have no weight, tears lose their bitterness

Where is thy sting death? Where grave thy victory?

I triumph still, abide with me."   

In my heart of hearts, I can feel it.  

Ills have no weight.  Tears lose their bitterness.

What a gift that is.

He's been good to give us relief in the form of sunshine too.  Its all inter-related!

Notice Lily's new "Berry Bear" in the closest swing.

 

 I really can't believe how BIG these kids are getting.  Lily's body is getting so big.  Her perfect little body is being transformed in front of my eyes.  Long legs.  Heavier.  I remember thinking Peter had a major growth spurt at 3.5.  And its felt the same way for Lily.  She's just becoming a big girl.  My heart.  I'm thrilled for a growing, healthy girl but my baby.... where did she go?!  I miss her!!   And Peter.  He's nearly as tall as I am!

 I totally made the kids lay on the ground with me to soak in the blinding, warm sun.  

 Then Peter found a different spot. 

 Naked Winter Trees.  Gorgeous.

 Then we went to the creek.  

This girl.  A little pride and independence and ugliness lately (like her mama).

 This week has been the turn around for him too.  

His energy level has nearly improved overnight!  

 Then they really just wanted to sit by the creek.  And I realized... its so good for them too.  Its so refreshing.  We just want to stop and listen to it.  To be refreshed as He leads us beside quiet waters.  

 Shortly after this, Lily fell in with one leg.  So we headed back.  But it was all such a JOY.  So awesome to have the freedom to be with these kids, to play in creeks, to play outside, to come home with sweet bare legs.  On a crisp sunny, warm-ish day!