a long post about a parenting struggle, with lots of parentheses

This is not in the category of a "serious" struggle and my soul feels despair.  Its not in the category of my child is having seizures, or I've had miscarriages, or someone has died.  But still, I want and seek God's wisdom in how to best approach it and in my processing of it... and in my being a good steward of the gift of time with these kids that God has given me... 

We were spoiled last week by a day off school and a break from the usual homework (which isn't hard, its just something else to do and fit in). So its made this week feel extra packed in the afternoons (2pm-bedtime).  We've also had two extra therapy appts this week.  One that we didn't make it to last week, plus a check-in w PT. 

So yesterday after school, we fit in PT, the drive back and forth, homework (two nights worth b/c we'd had 2 appts the day before as well), dinner, and then headed back out for tae kwon do after dark.  I find myself getting frustrated with the kids b/c I am asking too much of them.  Peter looks exhausted and I'm telling him to 'hurry up and eat' so we can go to something else!  I hate that.  On the way to TKD, I tell him to take a quick nap... ridiculous but necessary.  So far this school year, I've found this to be the area that I feel the tension.  

We do not really have a special needs child in our house but just that toe in the puddle that allows me to imagine what it would be like for a family that really lives in the special needs world.  Its really the ongoing struggle, tension that we've regularly viewed (mostly from the outskirts but its still in front of our faces regularly) for the last three years... and I have moments and season that I feel the weigh of it.  That sounds extreme to say, and as I often say, I am well aware of how easy and good we have it.  But part of my personality, and maybe the way God made me, empathizes and feels and imagines the burden.  Another part of me (that part that makes my mom say she can't believe I was a nurse) balks at the thought of it all.  It feels too hard, like too much, and I worry and wonder how people really do it.  I feel the heaviness for the people who regularly live under such a weight that comes from a fallen world.  I like cute and pretty, sunny and easy.  

I also think and pray through God giving us wisdom about the best way and best balance to helping Peter in the ways that he needs extra.  Mostly physical strengthening... his mouth (speech), his gross motor skills, and his hands (tho they have served him pretty darn well & come a long way so far in school- PTL!)...  plus of high importance is behavior, which is an outflow of the heart, which I have some control over by how I schedule us... a heart that is rushed and frazzled, or one that is calm and intentional (and a schedule that allows for reasonable behavior, age-appropriate activities and time to develop good organizational skills).  

How do we best help him without it turning into crazy busyness?  I know that we are where we are because we've worked hard.  So I want to keep working hard (and we will).  But when do we reach the gray area of too much?  

Mike's mom has often said that all parents have 'their thing'.  Over the years, we would say that ours has been sleep.  So after dinner last night, while everything in me wants to give him a hot bath and let him sleep, there is also the felt external pressure of "he needs more PT" & my own pressure of "this cost a lot of $$" and I want to get the full money's worth.  Yes, we should do one more physical activity, but sleep is also a really good activity to keep us strong!  Some days it just feels like a race to get strong, but when does the race kill out the 'here and now'?

Thankfully, God is faithful (and I am often clueless).  We arrived to TKD last night to cheerful instructors to are so kind and helpful.  They see the best in Peter, push him to his potential without belittling him.  He has a great time and walks away chanting "Who, Who, Hah!"  I've gotten a little down time in the car to listen, chill, and focus.

I don't know the answers but just that as we had a day off last week, God is good to give us rest when we need it.  We can trust Him for new mercies each day and the strength to keep walking the road he has put us on and called us to.  He is good and faithful to give us more than we would have known to ask for.  More often that involves the shaping of our heart, and less the comfort of our circumstances.

{happy down time on one of our days "off"}

"Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, “The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.”"

Lamentations 3:22-24 (NIV)