Break, Unabridged Version

So I think I'm gonna take a little break from blogging during Lent.....

...To spend more time being and listening and less time documenting.  Its been tempting a few times already to put down cute, memorable things.  :)  But I also want to rest... mostly in the sense of it not being up to me.  To rest that He'll cover this time and it won't matter that I haven't put words and pictures down.  To rest in not needing to be known by others and know that I am known and seen by God.  I'm also resting from following others lives (which is often a temptation for me... the comparison) and wanting to look more to what He has made and is making OUR lives based on His good plans and not what I can conjure up to keep up.  Trusting that in all the things that haven't been exactly how I would have carved them, that His plan is more amazing and purposeful than I could imagine.  And at the same time, it IS all amazing... this life with my people is a dream.

So I'm thankful for this time to process and to rest.

I'm sorry if its seemed all consuming as I process this sense of loss... of losing the dream that our family would be more than the four of us (and one day it will be, it already is).  Its been HARD to say goodbye to two babies.  And so part of me wants to recognize that, to call it what it is, dammit.  (I know we all have our things like that.)  And even more of me wants to KNOW and to BELIEVE that it was all part of His GOOD plan and purpose.  So I think more resting and less striving and less looking at others, and more being and seeking could help me with that.

There is so much of me that overflows with joy and thankfulness and relief to know that He is making all things right.  He IS in control.  He IS good.  He didn't overlook us.  When I can worship and believe that in the midst of the disappointment, it makes it all sweeter, less bitter.  

I believe, Lord, help my unbelief.  

So much of me is thankful for the ways that He's taught me to long for heaven and to KNOW that my hope isn't here.  Its not on this earth.  This is temporary.

Thankful for a sweet time to think about how much I need Him.  Desperately.  

"It’s one thing to sing praise in light of good, and it is entirely another thing to sing praise in the deep recognition of sin and death and pain, to say even still, He is good."  Source 

Easter 2012

We had a good morning at church.  I have to say that every now and then, ways of sadness over baby #3 who isn't with us hits me and for some reason, Sunday morning was a wave.  Anyone have any thoughts on this issue?  Aunt Bettie?  Will it always be so?

After church on Sunday morning, we headed down to Mike's grandparents to see his family.

The kids enjoyed the egg hunt with cousins :).  The crowd was small this year.

Aren't they cute!!  I love the way Lily is looking at the newest baby cousin.  And Peter is off to the side, looking like he wants nothing to do with all the girls.

Then sweet E took his hand!  :)

 And they are off!

(I love Mike's sweet grandma watching the kids!  I LOVE that we still have grandparents in our lives.  They are so so sweet and such a joy to be around!)

 Showing off their loot!  All with mouths full of treats!

 Lily pouring the treat in.  Mike's mom put some more healthy treats in lots of the eggs... goldfish, pretzels, and teddy grahams!   :)

 And this is our version of a family pic.

 pretty girl... 

Good BYE 2011!

A few weeks ago, I spent a little time reflecting on 2011 and I am just now typing it up.  It was quite the year.  I wanted to have to these things documented in one place for the sake of remembering the craziness... That one day (even today!) we will praise our Father for where he has brought us from and that it could be an encouragement to someone else in the midst of a hard time or something similar.  For me, it was a year marked by lots of hard circumstantial things but also by anxiety, depression, and grief.  Praise the Lord for new seasons and years!  2012 already feels different.  We know that He calls us to trust Him no matter what the future holds but we pray that its different than 2011.

2011 

:: a year that was sobering and took away some of my naivety, a year of learning that anything is possible.  It aged me!!

:: the heartache of just losing Charlie and Alvin.  It leaves such grief, so I can hardly bear the grief & missing for Holly and Glenda.  And yet I wouldn't have had it any other way than to walk closely with Holly.  I read this recently and it sums it up well... I repeatedly remind myself that it is never "too soon" to be with Jesus, but it is always too soon to leave our loved ones. One does not cancel out the other. Both are simply true.  May the deep grief be wrapped in certain hope that death will never have the last word.

:: the agony of taking my boy to VCU for the new onset of non-febrile seizures and poor coordination.  Then having him worked up for what seemed like all neurological possibilities under the sun.... and one by one they were ruled out/checked off... brain tumor, anatomical anomaly, metabolic disease, known genetic conditions, each feeling like a forever wait and slow agony...waiting and then more waiting ... for some overnight and others that took WEEKS (read it slooooooowly, that's how it felt... slo mo).  And then, the one that caused me the most anxiety was the work up for a Lysosomal Storage Disease.  (what a nightmare!  Oh, my heart, for the parents of a child with one of these... its too much!)  We are so very thankful for God's mercy that all of those were negative and for the control of his seizures on Keppra.  It gave me a new perspective on the life of people whose children really have something hard that they have to deal with health-wise.  And it have me a new perspective as a nurse on the patient and family's experience.  Ugh, the suffering, I hate it! 

:: the pain of losing what we thought would be our 3rd child to miscarriage.  And the ongoing grief of that lasting all year... esp after I felt a little more free to process it once Peter's health was less of our focus.  And then the wait of not being able to move forward because of some ongoing genetic tests for all of us, which were thankfully normal.  In the recent weeks (of 2012), I have felt such a freedom from this grief.  And more of a thankfulness  for what we have and ability to trust God's sovereignty over our family.  

:: And it can't be overlooked that in 5 weeks, we went to 

• the ER 4 times (one long weekend, we went 3 times in 4 days), 
• had 4 hospitalizations, 
• 2 surgeries, 
• and one speeding ticket.   All of it was enough for a lifetime!

:: lots of therapy for Peter:  occupational, physical, and speech.  Wishing we didn't have to go, being thankful our insurance covered it, and hating the pain, suffering and trials we saw there of other children and their families.

:: High-Fiveing so many times over the blessing and provision of awesome insurance thru Mike's job.  And MANY, MANY hours spent on the phone with our insurance company working out all of the benefits.

:: In our year of heartache, its been a season that Mike really enjoys his job... what a blessing!

:: Thankful for the gift of feeling like I have a clue (if only a small one) about healthcare & medical things from my time as a nurse... and knowing other people who know more!

:: The gift of friends, family and the body of Christ at our church.  Grandparents and our small group carried us.  From Joe's visit to talk with us and assure us from God's Word that Peter would go to Heaven should he leave us too early (I lost all reservations to ask anything when my boy was sick) to Blair and Susan sitting with us that Saturday morning over a Chick-Fil-A breakfast, and Blair giving me the bobby pin that was in her hair (it's the small things!).  Dinners waiting for us (thank you, Joy!).  Susan babysitting while her husband took time out of his day of doctorly responsibilities to be with us at the hospital and at doctors appointments. I don't care to go thru any of this again or ever walk thru the doors of VCU again but I am thankful for the people who loved us so well!

:: Oh, how we love Keppra and the seizure control it provides.  Lord, may it continue to be so!

:: 2011 was the year that Lily grew up and the gap between her and Peter became so much smaller.  She became a partner with him in all things childhood... esp the world of pretend.  I love seeing them enjoy each other and the blessing of them being completely unaware of all the stresses that have been present in our grown up lives. 

:: Seeing the faithfulness of God through my marriage.  Thank you, God, for my Mike!

:: wrestling through my own struggle of how this is different than what I imagined... definitely the things mentioned above but also my own strength, perseverance, perspective is severely lacking!  Not being who I wanted/want to be.  Ugh!

:: And as last fun marker of 2011... FUN with the kids!  We did have FUN too!  Days at the pool, hearing all of the new words and phrases they are learning, cracking us up on the the things they pick up and remember, pretending together, hugs, laughs, etc, etc.

:: Verses of the year:
   "Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all His benefits"  Psalm 103
   Jesus said, “This sickness will not end in death. No, it is for God’s glory so that God’s Son may be glorified through it.”  John 11:4
   Then Jesus said, “Did I not tell you that if you believe, you will see the glory of God?”  John 11:40 

the 5 S's

Although different than the 5 S's we thought this month would bring, we had a fantastic time at the beach last weekend.  Three and a half glorious days of sun, sand, sea, sleep, and stories.  Mike's parents treated all of us to a long Columbus Day Weekend vacation.  It was just perfect.  After a month or more of rainy days, we had the perfect blip of three gorgeous, sunny, not-a-cloud-in-the-sky days!  And we loved getting to see his siblings and their families!

We arrived late on Thursday night.  The next morning, we didn't find Peter in his bed.  Mike searched the house and finally found him here... sleeping with Liam... hilarious!  Do you think they were happy to see each other?!

....Lots of pictures from the weekend!....

Peter and Liam chasing each other on the beach

the stories part ;)

first pony!!!

This little love and I went to the beach just the two of us one afternoon.  She wanted to sit on my lap.  So we sat there, we two, Lily and me.  Just sat there, held pink dogs, and soaked in the sun.  

The kids hadn't seen Ski and Kathy as much recently with them helping her parents.  So they were in love with the concentrated time with Pop and Gram!

The water was chilly but not too cold.

Mike and Matt surfed!

The kids definitely enjoyed the water and waves!

FUN cousin play time!

 getting buried in the sand and transformed into a mermaid by Aunt Carrie

Mike, Lily and I went for a walk.  (Pete went in with the rest of the crowd.) 

the girl was a sleepy one when we got back... 

 After naptime, 

 more beach fun!

and finishing the day with a family pictures.

(its starting to get cloudy at the end of our third day)

 The last morning, we called and got an extended check out time and went to play more... 

 running up and down this walkway

and with the sand fiddlers!

 and in the waves...

Thank you, Kathy and Ski!  We loved every minute!