Five Months of Healing

I can hardly believe that its been 5 full months (+9 before that) since this guy joined us.  This week its been a year since we found out he was a healthy & strong little guy inside me.  So many times, I have thought about how much he has healed my heart and brought such joy to our lives.  I remember, in grieving the loss of our other babies, reading that people would comfort you in saying that you wouldn't have the baby/child you have if the other(s) weren't "lost".  And in calling it what it was, this author was recounting that she wanted that baby, the lost baby.  There is totally something to that.  I get it.  But now that we do have another, wow, I am so so happy to have this guy.  And the sting of losing those babies is easier.  Thanks be to God.

Deep Thoughts on Pregnancy & Waiting

I've thought about this post so many times in my mind, and a few times with the keyboard, without finishing and hitting "publish".  I've waffled back and forth about whether to document it.  On sad days, I want to.  And on other days, I too don't want to be bothered with the heaviness. 

A few weeks ago, I had my one hour glucose tolerance test.  
(And I passed!  First time ever!!  BS of 77- go older body!!)  
Being at the office, surrounded by pregnant ladies, stirs the emotions for me again.  Every time someone "announces" their pregnancy, or congratulates someone on a pregnancy- even me-, I still feel it.  To a lesser degree, but its there, its always there somewhere. That gut reaction sometimes takes the Spirit to tame.  And leads me to remember that He is trustworthy, and He calls me to follow Him.  There is so much excitement and blessing and thrill that I'll get to hold a baby, MY baby, again soon.  But there is still the sting, the awareness, the touch of bitterness, that that place holds... the awareness of all the grief and heartache that lurks in those walls for some, and that has been so real for me, and ones I love, for seasons.  And it feels so real, so mean, so wrong. 
Part of me doesn't want to mention it.  How could I complain?  But part of me wants to make it known, not just for me but for others too.  I know that being known doesn't change what it is or make it different, but maybe it does help a little. 

This pregnancy, this baby is such a gift.  I am so excited.  But my heart still feels the ache some days of not having some of our children with us.  I also know, and don't want to forget the blessing in that.  And that somehow, God made and molded our story in that season.

This testimony (during Advent) from someone in our church during Advent really resonated (& stuck) with me related to this.  Even with a new baby on the way, I am still waiting for Jesus, and waiting for heaven.  And I don't want to misplace my hope to somewhere else.  You've gotta click and read, its really good.

Here is another part of what I scribbled in a little bit of free time that I had early on:
Also with another pregnancy comes a mixed bag of emotions.  Its what I wanted for so long, always, but the Lord had led me to a place of accepting that it wasn't His plan for us, and trusting Him in that.  His ways are not our ways.  Although always a low lying level of disappointment, in submitting to that came some joy and bittersweet, and heartbreak.  
There were also blessings.  The blessing of longing for heaven in  knowing that things aren't as they should be, but knowing He surely has a sweet purpose, and one day He will make all things {death} right.  I'm happy to be a part of His story.

Break, Unabridged Version

So I think I'm gonna take a little break from blogging during Lent.....

...To spend more time being and listening and less time documenting.  Its been tempting a few times already to put down cute, memorable things.  :)  But I also want to rest... mostly in the sense of it not being up to me.  To rest that He'll cover this time and it won't matter that I haven't put words and pictures down.  To rest in not needing to be known by others and know that I am known and seen by God.  I'm also resting from following others lives (which is often a temptation for me... the comparison) and wanting to look more to what He has made and is making OUR lives based on His good plans and not what I can conjure up to keep up.  Trusting that in all the things that haven't been exactly how I would have carved them, that His plan is more amazing and purposeful than I could imagine.  And at the same time, it IS all amazing... this life with my people is a dream.

So I'm thankful for this time to process and to rest.

I'm sorry if its seemed all consuming as I process this sense of loss... of losing the dream that our family would be more than the four of us (and one day it will be, it already is).  Its been HARD to say goodbye to two babies.  And so part of me wants to recognize that, to call it what it is, dammit.  (I know we all have our things like that.)  And even more of me wants to KNOW and to BELIEVE that it was all part of His GOOD plan and purpose.  So I think more resting and less striving and less looking at others, and more being and seeking could help me with that.

There is so much of me that overflows with joy and thankfulness and relief to know that He is making all things right.  He IS in control.  He IS good.  He didn't overlook us.  When I can worship and believe that in the midst of the disappointment, it makes it all sweeter, less bitter.  

I believe, Lord, help my unbelief.  

So much of me is thankful for the ways that He's taught me to long for heaven and to KNOW that my hope isn't here.  Its not on this earth.  This is temporary.

Thankful for a sweet time to think about how much I need Him.  Desperately.  

"It’s one thing to sing praise in light of good, and it is entirely another thing to sing praise in the deep recognition of sin and death and pain, to say even still, He is good."  Source 

his heart

This a a little vulnerable to post but also such a sweet story that I want to remember... I've been a little sad this week.  There have been a few triggers, I think.  I have and continue to have plenty to repent of regularly.  Peter is my dear child that I struggle with a lot but also in the most blessed of ways.  We work together through the messiness and irony of the gospel so quickly and so often.  There is so much fussing and complaining and sometimes its just near impossible to be who and what we should be (yes, I fully claim that for myself too!).  But in the midst of it, he is SO quick to say "Will you forgive me?  Can you forgive me?"  And its dug forgiveness deeper into where it should be for me b/c it really is just that.  Forgiveness.  Not the condition that I am going to do better (tho we ask God for that all the time) but just that you are forgiven.  I am forgiven.  The slate is clean without offense.  And its a split second transaction for him, as it should be.  He fully expects that I am going to forgive him.  And that just convicts me.  I have to.  Then I have to believe it for myself the next minute as I ask for forgiveness.

If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.  1 John 1:9

As we've been working through my messiness this week, a lot of it a response to grief, Peter has so cared for me.  As I sit stewing on lots of things this morning and thinking of God's sovereignty (in a 'help us' kind of way), Peter says the dearest thing.  Although we weren't talking about the miscarriages at that moment, we had talked about them earlier this week.  I don't generally talk with the kids much at all about our miscarriages, knowing it would just be hard for them to understand and I don't really want to bombard them with grief.  But while we were taking the infant seat to sell, they asked questions.  I decided that it seemed like a more "concrete" moment to tell them a little about it.  So I just told them that we have two babies in heaven who would be their brother(s) or sister(s).  And that God hasn't given us more babies on earth so we don't need our baby seat anymore.  Their response was really sweet.  They were a little sad but also excited... and their first conclusion was "one for each of us!" in heaven...  

So back to this morning, I am stewing and internally discussing my mess with God.  Peter says the most understanding and intuitive thing.  Full of frustration, love, anger, more love, desire, affection, and disappointment he says,  "I'm upset too... about those two babies in heaven."  The way that he was so intuitive about the real frustration and so with me in it, in the grief, really ministered to me and blessed me in a way that few things have lately.  He wasn't trying to manage my grief, or move me through it, he wasn't uncomfortable with it, he just simply felt the emotions with me and for himself.  It must have only been the Holy Spirit who could bring something so close to where I really am.  
"I will come to you." John 14:18b 
Not in just a physical way, but in an intimate, emotional, feeling way.

He provides Strength

from this book (thanks, Sarah!)... this is just what I needed this morning to reign in my thoughts/emotions....

As for your days, so shall your strength be. (Deut 33:25) You must not excuse yourself from the battle because you are weak, for the Lord strengthens the feeble. Do you not know? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint. (Isaiah 40:28-3)

You can not serve Him in your strength. You can only serve Him in the strength He gives as you need it. Here, take the bread, take the fish, and feed the thousands. Never say that it is not enough (Matt 14:17). He will multiply both the bread and the fish as it is broken and consumed. There will be more than you need.

Listen, you who profess to me in Christ, you who love Him, you who have a work to do. God will give you the necessary strength and grace.

A lot recently, I've needed to reign in my thoughts and emotions and worries b/c they are spiraling. AND HE HAS HELPED ME! I hate to say it, but this has been a surprise to me! Its an ongoing thing that will need to re-happen in like minutes.