This a a little vulnerable to post but also such a sweet story that I want to remember... I've been a little sad this week. There have been a few triggers, I think. I have and continue to have plenty to repent of regularly. Peter is my dear child that I struggle with a lot but also in the most blessed of ways. We work together through the messiness and irony of the gospel so quickly and so often. There is so much fussing and complaining and sometimes its just near impossible to be who and what we should be (yes, I fully claim that for myself too!). But in the midst of it, he is SO quick to say "Will you forgive me? Can you forgive me?" And its dug forgiveness deeper into where it should be for me b/c it really is just that. Forgiveness. Not the condition that I am going to do better (tho we ask God for that all the time) but just that you are forgiven. I am forgiven. The slate is clean without offense. And its a split second transaction for him, as it should be. He fully expects that I am going to forgive him. And that just convicts me. I have to. Then I have to believe it for myself the next minute as I ask for forgiveness.
If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. 1 John 1:9
As we've been working through my messiness this week, a lot of it a response to grief, Peter has so cared for me. As I sit stewing on lots of things this morning and thinking of God's sovereignty (in a 'help us' kind of way), Peter says the dearest thing. Although we weren't talking about the miscarriages at that moment, we had talked about them earlier this week. I don't generally talk with the kids much at all about our miscarriages, knowing it would just be hard for them to understand and I don't really want to bombard them with grief. But while we were taking the infant seat to sell, they asked questions. I decided that it seemed like a more "concrete" moment to tell them a little about it. So I just told them that we have two babies in heaven who would be their brother(s) or sister(s). And that God hasn't given us more babies on earth so we don't need our baby seat anymore. Their response was really sweet. They were a little sad but also excited... and their first conclusion was "one for each of us!" in heaven...
So back to this morning, I am stewing and internally discussing my mess with God. Peter says the most understanding and intuitive thing. Full of frustration, love, anger, more love, desire, affection, and disappointment he says, "I'm upset too... about those two babies in heaven." The way that he was so intuitive about the real frustration and so with me in it, in the grief, really ministered to me and blessed me in a way that few things have lately. He wasn't trying to manage my grief, or move me through it, he wasn't uncomfortable with it, he just simply felt the emotions with me and for himself. It must have only been the Holy Spirit who could bring something so close to where I really am.
"I will come to you." John 14:18b
Not in just a physical way, but in an intimate, emotional, feeling way.
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