I've thought about this post so many times in my mind, and a few times with the keyboard, without finishing and hitting "publish". I've waffled back and forth about whether to document it. On sad days, I want to. And on other days, I too don't want to be bothered with the heaviness.
A few weeks ago, I had my one hour glucose tolerance test.
(And I passed! First time ever!! BS of 77- go older body!!)
Being at the office, surrounded by pregnant ladies, stirs the emotions for me again. Every time someone "announces" their pregnancy, or congratulates someone on a pregnancy- even me-, I still feel it. To a lesser degree, but its there, its always there somewhere. That gut reaction sometimes takes the Spirit to tame. And leads me to remember that He is trustworthy, and He calls me to follow Him. There is so much excitement and blessing and thrill that I'll get to hold a baby, MY baby, again soon. But there is still the sting, the awareness, the touch of bitterness, that that place holds... the awareness of all the grief and heartache that lurks in those walls for some, and that has been so real for me, and ones I love, for seasons. And it feels so real, so mean, so wrong.
Part of me doesn't want to mention it. How could I complain? But part of me wants to make it known, not just for me but for others too. I know that being known doesn't change what it is or make it different, but maybe it does help a little.
This pregnancy, this baby is such a gift. I am so excited. But my heart still feels the ache some days of not having some of our children with us. I also know, and don't want to forget the blessing in that. And that somehow, God made and molded our story in that season.
This testimony (during Advent) from someone in our church during Advent really resonated (& stuck) with me related to this. Even with a new baby on the way, I am still waiting for Jesus, and waiting for heaven. And I don't want to misplace my hope to somewhere else. You've gotta click and read, its really good.
Here is another part of what I scribbled in a little bit of free time that I had early on:
Also with another pregnancy comes a mixed bag of emotions. Its what I wanted for so long, always, but the Lord had led me to a place of accepting that it wasn't His plan for us, and trusting Him in that. His ways are not our ways. Although always a low lying level of disappointment, in submitting to that came some joy and bittersweet, and heartbreak.
There were also blessings. The blessing of longing for heaven in knowing that things aren't as they should be, but knowing He surely has a sweet purpose, and one day He will make all things {death} right. I'm happy to be a part of His story.
A few weeks ago, I had my one hour glucose tolerance test.
(And I passed! First time ever!! BS of 77- go older body!!)
Being at the office, surrounded by pregnant ladies, stirs the emotions for me again. Every time someone "announces" their pregnancy, or congratulates someone on a pregnancy- even me-, I still feel it. To a lesser degree, but its there, its always there somewhere. That gut reaction sometimes takes the Spirit to tame. And leads me to remember that He is trustworthy, and He calls me to follow Him. There is so much excitement and blessing and thrill that I'll get to hold a baby, MY baby, again soon. But there is still the sting, the awareness, the touch of bitterness, that that place holds... the awareness of all the grief and heartache that lurks in those walls for some, and that has been so real for me, and ones I love, for seasons. And it feels so real, so mean, so wrong.
Part of me doesn't want to mention it. How could I complain? But part of me wants to make it known, not just for me but for others too. I know that being known doesn't change what it is or make it different, but maybe it does help a little.
This pregnancy, this baby is such a gift. I am so excited. But my heart still feels the ache some days of not having some of our children with us. I also know, and don't want to forget the blessing in that. And that somehow, God made and molded our story in that season.
This testimony (during Advent) from someone in our church during Advent really resonated (& stuck) with me related to this. Even with a new baby on the way, I am still waiting for Jesus, and waiting for heaven. And I don't want to misplace my hope to somewhere else. You've gotta click and read, its really good.
Here is another part of what I scribbled in a little bit of free time that I had early on:
Also with another pregnancy comes a mixed bag of emotions. Its what I wanted for so long, always, but the Lord had led me to a place of accepting that it wasn't His plan for us, and trusting Him in that. His ways are not our ways. Although always a low lying level of disappointment, in submitting to that came some joy and bittersweet, and heartbreak.
There were also blessings. The blessing of longing for heaven in knowing that things aren't as they should be, but knowing He surely has a sweet purpose, and one day He will make all things {death} right. I'm happy to be a part of His story.
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