Answer

In general, I've been doing really well lately.  Feeling much more peaceful and trusting about where we are and what our life will look like.  I am so so thankful for that.  I was feeling sorta d.o.n.e. with the exhaustion of grieving.  Its been such a huge praise to think about the healing He has done.  
Tonight I looked at something (on social media) and I just felt it.  I felt my heart spiraling.  Look at them.  Look at ALL that they get.  And yet I also just felt like 'NO!... I just can't spiral and be sad and look at others'.  It was just a quick silent desperate prayer.  And only a half believing one.  God, help me.  (I don't even remember what I said in my head.)  
And then it came a few moments later.... 
Three times. In church this morning I noted that Job repeated the point three times.
I myself will see Him
with my own eyes-- I, and not another.
And then I realized-- because of this-- the loss, the grief-- I don't hope in life being cute (oh, I love cute).  That is a mercy, his grace to me.  I hope in Him.  And I hope because---

I know that my Redeemer lives,
and that in the end He will stand on the earth.
And after my skin has been destroyed,
yet in my flesh I will see God;
I myself will see Him
with my own eyes-- I, and not another.
How my heart yearns within me!
Job 19:25-27

And like that, He takes me back to being thankful and trusting.  And just to know that He is so personal to stoop enough to one day let me see Him.  To know that He sees me enough to let me see Him.